Santa Klaus Is Coming To Town
by fandomfatale
Summary: When Elijah informs the group that Klaus and Santa Claus are one and the same, they do a spell to jump forward in time and kill him on Christmas Eve when he comes to deliver presents. More detailed summary inside. Humor/Christmas piece.
1. Chapter 1  Making Christmas

SANTA KLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

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Summary: When the group learns that Klaus and Santa Claus are one and the same, they do a spell to jump forward in time and kill him on Christmas Eve when he comes to bring them presents. Things grow more complicated when a Christmas angel tries to help them out, a rabid Delena fan worms her way into their universe and Katherine joins them for Christmas Eve dinner. Who gave who what for Christmas? Why does Katherine kidnap the baby Jesus? And can they kill Klaus and find the true meaning of the holiday?

Disclaimer: I make no profit from this story. I do not own _The Vampire Diaries_ or any of its characters. There are a lot of others things in this story that I don't own either.

Author's Notes: You'll be able to tell early on that I sacrificed characterization for humor a lot of the time; I can only hope that it's actually funny and therefore worth it. Also, this story is riddled with references to a number of different things (some obvious, some not), so I hope it's not too annoying/confusing when you encounter a reference you may not be familiar with. I know it's sort of long, but some of the best stuff is at the end. I'll have the complete story published by Christmas.

Please review! And if you have any questions about some of the references, I'd love to answer them, just let me know. I'll also cheer you on if you get them.

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CHAPTER 1 – MAKING CHRISTMAS

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"For over a century, I have lived in secret, hiding in the shadows, until now. I am a vampire. And this is my story. I shouldn't have come home. I know the risk. But I had no choice: I have to know her."

Damon cleared his throat as he strolled into his brother's bedroom: "Uh, Stefan, who are you talking to?"

Stefan was silent.

Damon wasn't going to let him off the hook; he waited patiently.

Stefan's eyes went from side to side as he racked his brain for ideas: "Well, Damon, I was just, uh, repeating my morning mantra – you know, to help me get through the day: Stefan, today you are not going to let the blood control you. Stuff like that."

"How 'self-help' of you. Of course, as far as I can tell, after 145 years of struggling with addiction and locking away a part of yourself, you seem to have mastered it after just one week on human blood Because…no, wait, I don't understand it at all."

"It has been longer than a week."

"Actually, it hasn't," Damon corrected. "If you work it out, it really hasn't."

"Well, it's because I was drinking Elena's blood. She helped me hold back."

"Thanks for reminding me about that – not. And you've only drunk Elena's blood three times since you started this back-on-people-blood thing. You've mostly been blood-bagging it. By the way, it's your turn to break into the Red Cross – we're almost out."

"Well, I've got control now because I've only been drinking a little bit each day," Stefan argued.

"It was more than a little bit when Elena helped you recover from Mason's vervain-filled."

Stefan groaned: "There's too much going on with Elijah, werewolves, Katherine, the moonstone, and Klaus for me to lose control right now. Maybe later."

Damon shrugged. "I'm just a little bit annoyed, because it's one of your only flaws, and it has been completely whitewashed. I mean, don't I get to be better than you at anything?"

Stefan shook his head. "No." He paused. "Well, there is that thing about how I forced you to complete the transition into full vampire. That wasn't very good of me."

"But you've already apologized for that _twice_," Damon countered. "I'm going to look like a douche if I keep lording it over you. And anyway, you did it because you loved me, so actually it's kind of endearing. I need you to do something repulsive."

Damon set the _Mystic Falls Gazette_ down in front of his brother. "This is what I was coming to show you."

The headline read: Large Turnout Expected for Mystic Falls Tree Planting Day.

Stefan was confused: "So?"

"My friend – Liz-"

"Yeah, I know you mean Liz, Damon. She's your only friend."

"That's not true. There's Carol Lockwood. Kelly Donovan."

"OK, all of the cougars. My mistake."

"_Anyway_, Liz insisted that we come. The article talks about how the city council is trying to pass a new law about logging, and the mysterious deforestation just west of our property."

"Oh. Our firewood."

"Yeah. I think Liz might suspect it's us."

"But Damon, it's necessary that we have a fire in every fireplace every day all day long. That requires a lot of wood."

"But why? Is it cold?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure what month it is."

Damon looked down at the newspaper; the date was illegible.

"Do we have to go to another community event?" Stefan asked. "Yesterday we had the charity Luau and tomorrow is Deck the Ruins, in preparation for the Under the Stars Ball later this week. Don't forget about the Knife-Sharpening Festival, the Blood Drive, Bench-Painting Day, and Fur-Coat Restoration Day, all of which are also coming up this week."

"We're definitely going to the last one – I want to get my wolf pelt cleaned."

"I still can't believe you waited until the next full moon to kill Jules just to show her that you weren't afraid. Or that you skinned her after killing her. Have I told you how obscene that is?"

"Yes, you have. You're saying that now – but just wait until you see our new rug. Or maybe I'll wear it around when it gets cold. Will it get cold?"

Stefan shook his head. "I don't know. But what about Jules? It's very disrespectful."

"Nobody liked her, Stefan. She didn't think I was charming – so, strike one. Plus she was arrogant, and I think she peed on me. Oh, and she killed Rose."

Stefan was a little offended on Rose's behalf to hear her be such an afterthought. Stefan never got a chance to thank her for saving Damon. After the bite, things got a little wacky, and Damon ended up putting her out of her misery before the bite's poison ran its full course.

Damon pointed at the newspaper. "We're going." He began to leave, but then stopped in his tracks and turned back to Stefan: "What's all of this 'this is _my_ story' business?"

Stefan blushed. "Well, everyone saw me first, didn't they?"

"Not so," Damon stated. "I killed that couple before anyone saw you."

"Elena saw me first."

"Wrong again, little brother. Bonnie and Elena hit my crow on their way to school, before they had any clue about you."

"Whatever happened to that crow?"

Damon glared. "You ate it, remember? Your diet is filthy – have I ever told you that? And mean: you ate my pet. And don't think I've forgotten about Lucky."

Stefan rolled his eyes. "For the last time, I didn't kill Lucky. What kind of sixteen year-old boy has a pet rabbit anyway? Who are you? Criss Angel? Even if I was responsible for Lucky's disappearance – he was just a rabbit You killed _Lexi_ – my best friend, who was _not_ an _animal_!"

"Just be glad I didn't skin her. It rubs the lotion on its skin…" he mumbled as he resumed walking out of the room.

"Oh, and I'm with Elena," Stefan argued, forcing Damon to stop again. "Since Elena is the center of the universe, as her boyfriend, that makes me better and more important than you. Don't you agree? I'm with _Elena_," he repeated to reinforce his point.

"For now…" Damon uttered ominously, finally exiting.

Stefan thought he heard something about a "triangle" before Damon was totally out of earshot.

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The citizens of Mystic Falls gathered at a clear-cut area in the forest and put on their gloves.

"All of the areas where the saplings are going to be planted have been marked with red ribbon," began Carol Lockwood. She droned on in the background.

"I discarded Jules' body out here somewhere. I wonder if someone will find it. It's so much easier to dispose of an animal's body – you don't even have to hide it," Damon whispered to Stefan.

"I hope no one wanders down to the tomb," Stefan replied.

"Oh, is that around here?" Damon asked.

"I'm not sure. It might be. It's in the forest. A couple of guys could probably move the stone door away if they gave it their all."

"Yeah, that door is heavy."

"I hadn't noticed," Caroline chirped, skipping over to them.

Damon greeted her indifferently, Stefan nodded warmly.

"Damon and I were talking, Caroline" Stefan began. "And we think it's your turn to rob the blood bank."

Damon laughed, but he spotted Elena, Bonnie, and Jeremy before he said anything. He waved flirtatiously at Elena. "The newspaper was right: large turnout."

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," Elena said to Stefan as the two groups combined.

"Damon thought we ought to help replant some of the trees since we were the ones who cut them all down."

Caroline gasped. "You what?"

"The wood has to come from somewhere. You can't have fires like a medieval king without fuel. They'll grow back. They always do."

"That's easy for you to say, you're 162 years old."

"I've always wondered who builds those fires…" Elena mused aloud. "…who stokes them, who throws another log on the fire. I've never seen you guys do any of that."

"Damon stokes the fires – he definitely knows how to handle a poker," Jeremy joked, remembering Damon torturing Mason with the fireplace implement. "I didn't mean that to sound so dirty," he added, after getting weird looks from everyone. "Perhaps I should rephrase."

Damon ignored him and answered Elena: "That's easy. It's our house elf. He does all of that."

"You have a house elf?"

"Sure. Dobby. The Salvatore house elf."

All of the sudden Elijah appeared from nowhere. He narrowed his eyes at them. "What were you saying about me?"

"No-nothing," Elena replied, frightened.

Elijah relaxed. "Oh. OK."

Stefan noticed Damon staring at the old vampire: "Is there something you want to tell me?" he asked. "Are you batting for the other team now?"

"I think I do have a bit of a crush on him," Damon confessed. "He pulled out two hearts at the same time – right in front of me! And I stuck a stake the size of my arm into his heart and all he had to do was walk it off."

Stefan had to agree: "Yeah, he's something else." Seeing Katherine afraid of Elijah lent him a new awesomeness in Stefan's eyes.

"Finally, we have something in common!" Damon exclaimed.

"Actually, we've got, like, _everything_ in common, Damon," his brother replied. "Way too much, in fact."

Stefan glanced over at Elena, and behind her terror at Elijah he saw a poorly-masked appreciation.

He didn't like it.

"What are you doing here, Elijah?" Stefan asked sternly.

"I put the word out to Klaus that I've got Katherine. And nothing. So I put out the word that I've got the human doppelganger. Still nothing. I'm growing impatient. These lures don't seem to be working – at least not on my schedule. So I think we should take advantage of the one time of year when Klaus comes out and about on his own. When he leaves his reclusion and ventures forth into the world."

"What time of year is that?" Bonnie asked.

Elijah furrowed his brows and looked around at the others. "Is she serious?"

The others were as equally inquisitive.

He shook his head, exasperated. "Christmas time. Duh!"

"I don't get it. Does he just really like Christmas?" Caroline asked.

Elijah shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe that's how it started."

"How what started?" Elena asked.

Elijah shook his head in disbelief. "Come on, people! Christmas Eve. Chimney. Reindeer. Presents."

"Are you trying to tell us that Klaus is Santa Claus?" Damon asked, his eyebrows drawn together quizzically. "That they are one and the same? That this figure is actually…Santa Klaus?"

"Yes!"

"No way," Jeremy muttered. "It can't be."

"Klaus is Santa, and Santa is Klaus," Elijah clarified.

Apparently it wasn't getting through: "Klaus is with Santa?" Elena asked.

"They're working together?" Bonnie echoed.

"No! They're the same! One entity, one body. Blood hell!"

"So you're saying that Santa and Klaus have some sort of connection…" Stefan pondered.

"Yes, obviously," Caroline said. "But what kind?"

Elijah was ready to strangle someone: "Are you all very stoned? Santa Klaus! Santa _Klaus_!"

"We're moonstoned," Bonnie joked.

"So, they're the same person?" Jeremy asked.

"Yes!"

The others were beginning to nod.

"But why?" Elena asked. "Why would a bloodthirsty vampire like Christmas? Why would he give presents to children and spread holiday cheer?"

Elijah shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know. I've never gotten that about him."

"Santa is real?" Jeremy asked. "He really does those things? He comes down the chimney and delivers presents to kids?"

"Klaus is a very powerful vampire – he is capable of things you wouldn't believe. Although I doubt he actually comes down the chimney."

"But Santa is supposed to be good," Bonnie argued.

"He does some good things. But have you really listened to what people say about him?

_You better watch out_

_ You better not cry_

_ You better not pout_

_ I'm telling you why_

_ Santa Claus is coming to town_

_ He's making a list_

_ Checking it twice. _

_ He's going to find out who's naughty or nice._

_ Santa Claus is coming to town_

_ He sees you when you're sleeping_

_ He knows when you're awake_

_ He knows if you've been bad or good_

_ So be good for goodness sake_

Or what about:

_Jump in you bed, cover up your head_

_Cause Santa Claus comes tonight_

He can get into any house he wants to – he's totally immune from that restriction. He likes the blood of children. He feeds on them and then compels them to forget."

"Why don't we just go to the North Pole and kill him where he lives?" Damon asked.

"There's no guarantee that he'd be there," Elijah answered. "And it's like a vampire Fort Knox. Spells, defenses of all sorts. Pressurized vervain gas – yeah, it exists. Plus he's got wolves patrolling the grounds during the day."

"Werewolves?" Caroline asked.

"No, just regular wolves."

"I thought you were going to say that he had werewolves working for him. That would be pretty badass," Jeremy commented. "That maybe they had been working for him for centuries in exchange for his blood, a secret pack, with rune tattoos."

"You've got some crazy ideas, kid," Elijah replied.

"If you're impatient now, I find it hard to believe that you want to wait until the end of December," Elena wondered.

"How long of a wait is it?"

No one knew.

"Well, no matter. There's no need to wait," Elijah replied. "My warlocks know a time-jump spell. Of course, it's a powerful spell – they'll need Bonnie's help."

The group turned to look at the witch.

"I'll do everything I can," she replied.

"So, do we suspect that there might be some link between Klaus and Santa Claus?" Stefan asked.

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Damon had been "less than happy" when he found out that Bonnie had been carrying on with Luka and Jonas, and keeping their existence a secret from him. About as thrilled as Bonnie had been when she learned that Luka was a double agent. While Elijah kept his acquirement of the fully-functional moonstone a secret, everything else was more or less out in the open, and the dust had settled.

Damon worried that they were being lulled into trusting Elijah and the Martins, but Elijah's confidence was nearly addicting. They wanted to be on the side of the guy who said he could kill Klaus, and sounded like he actually believed it.

After watching Tyler agonize over Mason, Caroline put her foot down and declared that he needed to know the truth. Damon, realizing how easily he had killed Jules, decided that she could tell Tyler whatever she wanted to. Tyler didn't take the news too well at first, but he eventually accepted what had happened.

Everyone gathered at the Salvatore boardinghouse for the spell. They decided to just go ahead and do it. Living in fear of Klaus was stressful, so even though a jump in time would be disorienting, the payoff was worth it.

"So how does this work, exactly?" Stefan asked Jonas.

"Well, you stand back and don't get in our way, and Bonnie, Luka, and I do the spell."

"Yes, I know that. I mean after. It's going to be Christmas, but what are going to remember about the time that we skipped?"

"The spell folds time. All of the time in between this moment and the other side in December will simply not exist. No one in the world will remember anything about the interval."

"Won't they wonder? Won't they think 'wait, what did I do for Thanksgiving?'?"

"It's magic, Stefan. Don't think so much. You ask too many questions. Please go away."

"But it doesn't make any sense."

Jonas turned his back on Stefan.

"This seems like an awfully powerful spell," Jeremy said. "Are you sure you're strong enough to do it, Bonnie?"

"If we're meant to do it, then we will. If not, then we'll fail."

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Whatever's in the script is what will happen."

"I didn't know you were religious."

"Not 'scripture', Jeremy: _script_."

"I'm confused."

"I know."

"I didn't know this spell existed," Luka commented to his father.

"It doesn't. But how else is it supposed to be Christmas?"

Luka nodded unsurely.

Luka, Jonas, and Bonnie came together in the center of the room.

"We need to figure out how far to jump ahead," Jonas stated.

"Take us to December 22," Elijah commanded.

Jonas nodded. "So, from today that would be…how many days?"

He looked around, no one knew.

"The last time I knew what the date was it was Halloween," Caroline said.

"My birthday was after that," Stefan said.

"What day is your birthday?" Caroline asked, already planning the cake she was going to bake.

He furrowed his brows. "Hmmm. I guess I'm not sure what day my birthday is."

Damon turned to Elena: "All of this spell stuff is so boring, don't you think? There's some wind, maybe flickering of flames, some chanting, then Bonnie's nose bleeds…it's always the same. And all I can do is wonder why those words make a spell happen, and wonder why I'm stuck in a word where witches can do basically anything when it suits them."

All of the sudden there was a flash, and it was very cold.

"Wow, a flash," Damon stated. "How original (!)"

"It seems to have worked," Elena commented, crossing her arms and pressing them into her meager chest to keep warm. "It's winter."

Damon took off his jacket and put it over her shoulders. "You have no idea how excited I am that I get to do this," he declared.

"Now what?" Stefan asked Elijah.

"In order to get Santa to come here, we need a child who believes in him."

Everyone turned and look at Jeremy.

He laughed. "Seriously?"

No one else was laughing.

Jeremy crossed his arms: "I'm sixteen! And I'm not a young sixteen, either. I've had lots and lots of sex – with older women. I've died three times. I've-"

"What do you mean 'three times'?" Elena demanded.

"Katherine drained me to death twice when she had me in the tomb with her." He swallowed, and then added: "She was very thirsty." He shuddered: he didn't really like remembering all of the things that happened in those dark depths with that evil woman. He shuddered again.

"Despite all that, you're still the youngest," Damon pointed out. "So Santa will come bring him gifts."

Elijah negated: "He doesn't believe in Santa."

"But I do," Jeremy argued. "Santa Klaus. I believe."

"He has to believe in Santa Claus of Christmas. Jolly Old St. Nicholas. It has to be the pure belief of a child. We'll compel him."

"What?" Jeremy protested. He began backing away. "I already had my mind violated. It's not fair."

Damon was laughing. Caroline and Bonnie were giggling, but trying to hide it.

"Have you ingested any vervain recently, you man?" Elijah asked, stalking him down.

"Gallons," Jeremy replied.

"You're lying. You're all idiots, you know that," he announced to the room. "_Ingest_ it! These bracelets and necklaces aren't doing the job. I mean, at least do an anklet – that's harder to see and harder to rip off: it requires bending over. Even vampires get too lazy to bend over sometimes."

Elijah cornered Jeremy, tore the bracelet off of him, and compelled him: "You will not remember learning that Klaus and Santa Claus are the same person. You will believe what you believed about Santa Claus before you learned that he wasn't real, that Santa Claus is a good and magical man who will bring you presents and leave them under your tree on Christmas Eve after you go to bed. You will not remember being compelled to believe this. If anyone tells you that Santa Claus isn't real or that Santa Claus is Klaus, you will ignore what they say about it."

"So Klaus is just going to fly here to Mystic Falls in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, land on the roof, come down the chimney, and leave a present for Jeremy?" Damon asked.

"Sounds delicious," commented Stefan, licking his lips.

Tyler nodded in agreement.

"Yes," Elijah replied to Damon. "Well, except for the chimney part. Again, probably not that. But the rest, yes."

"How is Santa going to know what I want for Christmas?" Jeremy wondered, coming out of his trance. He turned to Elena: "We need to go to the mall to see Santa: I _have_ to tell him what I want for Christmas. We're running out of time."

Elena looked to the others for some help, but no one said anything.

She shrugged. "All right, Jeremy. We'll go."

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Stefan, Elena, and Bonnie went with Jeremy to the mall to see Santa.

Everyone pulled out their phones and took a picture of him sitting on Santa's lap. Stefan used his super-hearing to inform the others what Jeremy was asking for.

"Well, not-so-little boy, what do you want for Christmas this year?"

Jeremy was smiling giddily. "Well, Santa, I want Artie to be able to walk. I want Bonnie to realize that she's in love with me. Super strength would come in pretty handy, and I certainly wouldn't mind it if you brought my parents back to life." He thought about it some more, and then nodded in conclusion. "I think that's it."

Santa rolled his eyes. "Come on, kid: this isn't _Miracle on 34__th__ Street_. Good little children ask for toys."

Jeremy considered this. "Well, I can think of a couple of toys I'd like, but I doubt they make those at Santa's workshop."

Santa looked a little troubled. Then he patted Jeremy on the shoulder. "I'll do my best, sonny. Next!" He shoved Jeremy down.

"You should go," Stefan urged, nudging Elena towards the man in the suit.

She fought it, but then finally agreed and went up to sit on Santa's lap.

"And what can I do for you, little girl?" he asked. "That's just a present in my pocket, by the way."

"Uh…"

"So, what do you want for Christmas?"

"Right. Well…" She leaned in to whisper in his ear because she didn't want to Stefan to hear: "Well, there's this guy..."

"Uh-huh. I'm listening."

"And I really want to…um, 'kiss' him. He's got gorgeous blue eyes, and strong arms, and…" Elena lost her track of thought.

"I see," Santa encouraged.

"But, I've got a boyfriend already."

"Well, it sounds like you've got a problem there, missy."

"Yes."

Elena was silent.

Santa waited for her to speak, but when she said nothing, he spoke up: "…And you want what for Christmas exactly?"

"Oh. Well, a solution, I guess."

Santa furrowed his furry brow. "A threesome?"

"That sounds nice," she replied, beginning to drool. But then Elena shook her head at him. "Santa, this isn't _True Blood_! We're not on HBO."

"I'm not sure I know exactly what that means. Uh, let Santa think about it."

Elena nodded and exited to the side.

"Are you going up there?" Bonnie asked Stefan.

"I'm about 152 years too old to sit on Santa's lap," he responded.

"What's the harm?"

Stefan let himself be convinced. He took a seat on Santa's lap.

Santa was frowning. "Are you serious?"

Stefan frowned back. "Just do your job, old man."

"Are you sure she wouldn't rather go first?" Santa asked wistfully, indicating Bonnie.

"Nope," Stefan replied.

Santa sighed. "Fine. Go."

"Well, I have this ex…" Stefan began.

Santa's eyes grew wide in exasperation. "Go on," he replied wearily.

"I don't think I'm quite over her," Stefan confessed. "She's not…good. In fact, she's downright bad. But I just can't stop thinking about her – she's sex in heels. Well, she's barefoot right now. I've sort of got her trapped underground. Never mind that. I have a girlfriend, that's the real problem. And my brother's in love with her too. Not my girlfriend – my ex. Well, actually, my girlfriend too. Anyway, it would destroy him."

"Who do you kids think I am? Dr. Phil? Jerry Springer? Get the hell out of here!" Santa began pushing Stefan away.

"Wait! But what about my wish?"

"You're getting coal!" Santa hollered. He turned to his elf: "I'm taking five. Oh, and NO MORE TEENAGERS!"

Elijah strolled past Stefan, Elena, Jeremy, and Bonnie. "These outfits are all wrong!" he criticized of Santa and the elf before passing on.

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Stefan headed back to the boardinghouse to find Damon opening a parcel.

"You're just in time, Stefan," Damon said. He used his pocket knife to cut the packaging tape and then he folded back the flaps of the cardboard box and pulled out a lamp, the stand of which was a woman's legs, in fishnet stockings. "Isn't she beautiful?"

"You ordered that?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Damon carried it over to the end table and gently set it down. "Wait for it," he ordered as he plugged it in. The dim light filled the room.

"It's right in front of the window, Damon," Stefan complained. "The neighbors will be able to see it."

"Do we have neighbors?" Damon asked. "I don't think we have neighbors."

"It's way to kitschy for our décor. It's way too kitschy for_ any_ décor."

"If you say décor one more time I'm going to have to make fun of you."

"It's cold," Stefan remarked, changing the subject. "We should make a fire." He tried to come up with a good way to break the lamp on accident. Maybe if he was lucky, another werewolf would break in and attack them.

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The group had another meeting that evening.

"How are we going to kill Klaus?" Elena asked. "He'll be at my house, and hopefully his guard will be down, but how will we actually kill him?"

"Well, fortunately for us, Christmas Eve is a full moon this year," Elijah said.

"That's an awfully big coincidence," Damon remarked.

"Yes, yes it is," Elijah said. "But even if it wasn't a full moon, we could just do a spell to make it a full moon."

Damon nodded.

"So Tyler is your plan?" Caroline asked Elijah.

Elijah nodded. "We'll have Tyler restrained in the basement. When Santa arrives, we'll release him, and he'll bite Klaus. So even if Klaus gets away, he'll still die. We'll do a spell to keep Klaus contained in the house, and hopefully it'll be strong enough to hold him. That's plan B. If Tyler doesn't manage to bite Klaus, he should be able to at least chase him in my direction, where I'll behead him. Damon and Stefan, you'll be in other parts of the house with axes as well, Plan C."

"Alphabet plans," Damon mused. "Katherine would approve."

"And this is going to work?" Bonnie asked.

"If it's the end of the season it'll work," Elijah replied.

They all nodded.

Elena turned to Jeremy. "We don't have a basement, do we?" she asked. "I don't think we have a basement."

"If you don't, then we'll just do a spell to make a basement for your house," Elijah answered her.

"You're going to kill Santa?" Jeremy asked, on the on the verge of tears.

"Not Santa, "Elena comforted. "Klaus." She patted him on the back.

He cheered up. "Oh. That's OK, then."

"Um…" Tyler began. Everyone turned to him. "Well, nobody asked me if I was willing to risk my life to do this."

"But you have to," Stefan argued. "Klaus needs a werewolf to break the curse; he'll be coming for you."

"If the moonstone is destroyed, then he'll have no need of me," Tyler returned. "I mean, no one knows I'm a werewolf, right?"

Stefan's face fell. "Oh yeah."

"You'll do it or I'll kill your mother and Granny Lockwood. And Caroline. And Matt Donovan. Kay?" Elijah said. "And then I'll kill you."

"OK," Tyler answered, nodding quickly. "I'll do it."

All of the sudden Elena gasped.

"What is it?" Stefan asked quickly. In panic, everyone gathered around her.

"I just realized that it's two days until Christmas and I haven't done any shopping!" she cried.

Caroline gasped a second later. "Oh my gosh, you're right!

Stefan sighed in relief. "Is that all?" But then he realized that he hadn't done any Christmas shopping either!

"And we were just at the mall!" Elena lamented.

"What are we going to do about Aunt Judith?" Jeremy asked. "I mean Aunt Jenna."

"How about some new boots?" Elena suggested.

"Not her present! I mean, how do we kill Klaus while she's in the house? Hey, that rhymes. I think she might get suspicious."

"Well, I don't want to deprive you of my awesome fighting skills or my top-notch theatrical abilities, but maybe I could take Jenna away for a couple of days. A nice romantic trip to…wherever," Alaric proposed.

"You want to break up team badass?" Damon asked, his bottom lip quivering, hurt in his eyes.

"It's a good idea," Stefan asserted. "You can keep Jenna safe and out of the way at the same time. This way we won't have to be subjected to her comical obliviousness or her ridiculously youthful appearance. We won't have to convince her that she walked into a knife. We won't have to simultaneously wonder what's going on in her life and not care. And she won't be able to invite any more evil vampires into her house."

"Or maybe we should just tell her the truth," Alaric recommended. "Maybe if she had known the truth all along, she wouldn't have invited Katherine or Elijah into the house. She wouldn't have stabbed herself. She wouldn't have told Katherine that Elena and Stefan were secretly seeing each other. By keeping the truth from her, we're actually putting her and us in more danger. Maybe we should reveal everything to her and end this ludicrous charade."

"Nah," Elena said. "Oh, and can I recommend the Dove Tree Inn? It's on the Shenandoah. Great hiking!"

"I didn't know you liked hiking," Stefan commented.

"That's because we never talk or do leisure activities together," Elena replied. "Why don't we go have sex?"

"OK. Do you have any black, lacy underwear? Do you think you could put it on? And is there anywhere underground where we could go to do it?"

"Like a tomb? You want to have tomb sex?"

"I'm feeling a little unfulfilled in that department."

"You could go to the old Lockwood slave quarters," Tyler suggested. "I take many of my conquests down there. The dank smell and bondage equipment really gets them in the mood."

Caroline nodded. "It's true."

Before they left, Caroline pulled Elena aside. "There isn't any chance that Mr. Saltzman is coming back for Christmas, is there? You know, he's really kind of hot. I know he's with your aunt right now, but do you think they'll be breaking up any time soon."

"Caroline," Elena scolded, "this is not _Gossip Girl_! No teachers! Aren't you happy enough with your love triangle? I find mine quite satisfying."


	2. Chapter 2  The Fanatic

CHAPTER 2 – THE FANATIC

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"This morning is different. There's change. I can sense it, feel it. For once time, I don't regret the day before it begins. Because I know I will see him again. For the first time in a long time, I feel good."

Stefan stirred in Elena's bed. He slowly opened his eyes to see her sitting on her window seat, holding her diary. "Who were you talking to?"

"Uh…no one."

"We're you doing a diary monologue? Tell the truth."

"Fine. Yes, I was."

"We're not supposed to do those anymore."

"Why not?" Elena asked.

"Because it makes people want to grind their teeth together."

"Oh. Well I'm a really nice person, so I'll stop since it annoys others."

"Good for you."

She bowed her head.

"I'm a little worried," he confessed.

"About what, honey bun?"

"Well, we just had sex," Stefan explained. "So doesn't that mean that we're about to break up?"

Elena pursed her lips together thoughtfully. "I wouldn't worry about it. Even if we do break up, we'll just back together again."

He nodded. "I guess you're right."

"And when we kill Klaus tomorrow night, we can get back to not facing any of the fundamental problems or internal conflicts in our relationship."

There was a knock at the door. "Elena, can I come in?" posed Aunt Jenna.

"Just a second!" she called out. Elena tried to bury Stefan under her comforter.

Jenna didn't wait very long before coming it. "Good morning."

"Good morning."

"It's OK, Stefan: you can come out. I'm a terrible guardian and I don't care if you two have sex under my roof. I was standing in the hallway last night, waiting for you to offer me some Chunky Monkey ice cream, but you never came," Jenna lamented.

Stefan wriggled out from underneath the covers.

"I've got some pot downstairs if you guys want to get high before school," Jenna offered. "I keep it in the oven…which totally works out because I never cook. Well, I do, but only when Alaric is here. He uses sea salt – he's so fancy. And to tell you the truth, the whole walking-into-a-knife thing has really put me off cooking for a while."

"Oh, we probably weren't going to go to school," Elena said.

Jenna shrugged. "That's cool too. Whatever."

"Actually, Jenna, it's December 23, so school is out of session until after New Year's," Stefan informed her.

Jenna gave him an annoyed expression. "Well look who's a know-it-all. I'm sorry, but can I really be expected to know when you guys have school and when you don't, can I?"

"What did you want, Jenna?" Elena asked, urging her aunt towards the point.

"Oh, well, I wanted to let you know that Alaric and I are going out of town for a couple of days. I didn't want you and Jeremy alone for the holidays, so I called your Uncle John and he's coming tomorrow. I would have called my parents, but I'm not sure where they are or if they are still alive."

"Great (!)," Elena whispered under her breath. She couldn't wait to see her uncle, who was really her father, who had tried to kill her boyfriend's brother and who killed her brother's girlfriend. Not.

"He's bringing a turkey!" Jenna added excitedly. Then she frowned: "I guess it'll be time for a little operation weed relocation."

Jenna left just as Elena's phone rang. "It's Carol Lockwood," Elena explained to Stefan, puzzled, as she brought the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hello, Elena. It's Carol."

"What can I do for you, Mrs. Lockwood?"

"Well, as you know, the church Christmas pageant is tomorrow night. Hillary Fell was going to be our Mary, but she has a cold. I was thinking that maybe you could like to do it? You won't have any lines, of course."

"Um, just a moment, Mrs. Lockkwood." Elena put her on pause and then told Stefan what the call was about.

"You can't do it, Elena: there's too much going on."

"I think I need to do it, Stefan. I'm getting failing grades in all of my classes except for Alaric's, that's only because he's my quasi-uncle quasi-stepdad quasi- teammate. Everyone at the school thinks I'm a delinquent because I always skip. I totally fizzled out at Miss Mystic Falls – I've just been too preoccupied to care about what people thought about me. And God knows what Katherine has been doing in my name. I really need to make a good impression on the town again. This is a great way to do it. This is very important to me."

Stefan nodded. "OK, Elena. We'll find the time."

Elena told Mrs. Lockwood that she would do it. "Who's playing Joseph?"

"Well, Tyler, of course. And little Maggie Spellman is going to play the baby Jesus."

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Before Alaric left for his trip, he brought out his arsenal again.

"You used the stake-shooter on Katherine, right?" he asked Jeremy. "How did that work out?"

Jeremy shuddered. "I don't want to talk about that day."

Everyone had figured out that Katherine had done something terrible to the poor boy, but no one could get him to reveal what it was

"Moving on: we're going to need more stakes," Alaric explained.

"I could whittle some," Jeremy offered.

Damon laughed. "No, actually you cant; you suck at it. But anyway, this is the 21st century. Wait, it is, isn't it?" He began counting them out on his fingers. "Yes, 21st. Point is: we don't have to do so much by hand anymore. They've got machines for this."

So the group headed out to The Home Depot, where they also hoped to find some (battle) axes. The Home Depot was located in a very commercial area, so every person came along, each hoping to find different things, and maybe get some Christmas shopping done.

"We should get a van," Caroline suggested. "And we could paint something on the side."

"Like what?" Damon asked.

"I don't know. Something."

"Part of being a vampire is inconspicuity, Caroline. Cradling werewolves, pissing off much older, evil vampires, annoying me, and making a spectacle of yourself are not great ways to start off eternal life. At this rate, I'd be surprised if you made it to next Christmas."

Caroline crossed her arms and glared at him.

But they didn't have a van, so they all drove separately, and Stefan even drove his pretty red car. Elena rode shotgun, and Damon squeezed into the back because he thought it would be fun to create an awkward situation.

They all piled out into the parking lot, and were about to go their separate ways when they saw a kind-looking, (and good-looking) man in a cheap gray suit with a bright red and green tie and a trench coat. "Hello," he greeted warmly.

Damon nodded back, only one second too slowly to be considered impolite, and began heading towards the Home Depot.

"Wait," he said to him, and to all of them. He pointed towards another store called The Holiday Place. "Maybe you should go there first." He winked.

Everyone turned to look at the other store, but when they looked back, she was gone.

"Where did he go?" Bonnie asked.

"Maybe he's a vampire," Jeremy suggested.

"He didn't seem like a vampire," Bonnie countered.

"Did he smell like a vampire?" Caroline asked Tyler.

"I tried not to smell him," he replied. Then he added: "And I can only smell things when it's convenient."

"Do I seem like a vampire?" Damon asked Bonnie.

She tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. "Yes, you do."

"What about me?" Stefan asked.

Bonnie nodded positively. "You all seem like vampires. Except for Caroline: maybe because she's blond."

"Maybe he was a Christmas angel," Caroline suggested, hope sparkling in her eyes.

"We should go check out that store," Jeremy said. He began walking that way.

Damon had no interest in perusing the shelves of The Holiday Place, but Elena was going there, so he decided to accompany her.

They saw the man again at the entrance of the store. He was now wearing a nametag that read Castiel. "Oh, I'm so glad you decided to take my advice," he said, winking again.

"What kind of name is Castiel?" Damon asked.

"A damn good one," Castiel replied. He indicated some wreaths that were for sale on the sidewalk. "These are very nice," he informed them. "If you have one on your door, it might bring lost ones back to you."

Damon leaned over and read about the wreaths: "Meadowsweet wreaths – perfect for guiding Santa to your house. Hmm."

"Let's buy one!" Jeremy cried rambunctiously. "We have to make sure that Santa comes."

"The house could use some more decorations," Elena said. She pulled out her wallet.

"Consider it a gift," said Castiel, handing her the largest one.

"Well that's not suspicious at all," Damon remarked to himself.

All of the sudden there was a screaming in the parking lot. A young woman, probably about 20 years old, was jumping around excitedly and whooping. She began running over towards them. "I don't believe it!" she yelled. "I don't believe it!" In continued disbelief, she glanced all around her, and then back at Stefan, Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Bonnie, Tyler, and Caroline intently. "No fucking way!"

"No, it can't be," whispered Castiel.

"What?" Damon asked.

He didn't answer.

The young woman, who was rather plain and very pale, but sort of charming in her animation, approached them with wide eyes. She reached out very quickly and touched Stefan who was nearest to her, screamed, and then pulled her arm back suddenly and jumped up and down three times. "Ha! I've either lost my mind or I'm dreaming, and I don't really care! Goodbye sanity, hello happiness!"

She turned to Elena: "You silly girl! Delena forever!" She lifted her arm up into the air in a cheering motion. "Delena! Delena! Delena!" she began chanting.

"No, it's Elena. _E-_lena. No 'd'," Elena corrected.

The girl leaned in to speak to Elena: "Life is short…well, usually. You really should just…" She leaned in further and spoke the rest of the sentence into Elena's ear.

Elena's eyes grew very wide and she jumped back. "That is none of your business!"

Stefan put a protective arm around Elena.

Two large men in suits began approaching from the sides. They grabbed onto the young woman and began pulling her away. She reached out and clung to Damon's arm, digging her nails in, but he shook her off. "Who are-what do you think you're doing!" she asked the men. She struggled, but figuring out that she couldn't escape them, called out one more time "Delena forever!" Then the three of them vanished around a corner.

"Who was that?" Damon asked Castiel.

"I can't really believe it, but somehow…a fanatic pierced the veil."

Damon's heart seized a little: it was only reflex that after 145 years obsessed with Katherine he would have a response to the word 'pierce'.

"What the hell does that mean?" Stefan asked.

"The Fanatic's love of Damon and/or Delena was so strong that she actually managed to cross dimensions," Castiel explained, shaking his head incredulously. "The internet does this to people. And hiatuses."

Damon narrowed his eyes at him. "Right…" He grabbed the wreath and then latched on to Elena's forearm and began walking towards The Home Depot, pulling her along. "It was nice meeting you, but we've got a busy day ahead. Toodles."

"Wait! Who's Delena?" Elena asked.

Castiel reached out and pointed at Elena's heart. "I think you know," he said.

"Are you an angel?" Caroline asked point-blank.

"Can't you tell?" Castiel asked Stefan.

He shook his head, confused. "Why me?"

"Well, you're the Redeemer, aren't you? The son of Satan?"

"Hey!" Damon interrupted. "Our Dad wasn't the nicest guy, but he wasn't the Devil."

Castiel continued speaking to Stefan, ignoring Damon: "Don't you have a tingling sensation around me?"

Stefan frowned. "Look, you're very-nice looking, but I'm afraid I don't 'tingle' for you. And I think Damon would kick my teeth in if I started calling myself the Redeemer."

"But your tattoos – the names of the Fallen," he argued. Castiel reached out for Stefan's arm and lifted up his sleeve, seeing nothing. "Oops. I think I might be confused."

"No kidding," Damon said, beginning to again pull Elena away.

"Merry Christmas!" Castiel called out.

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Elijah came to visit them that evening. "I've been talking with some of my contacts in the North Pole, and it seems like everything is on schedule. Jeremy is on The List. As long as nothing changes, Klaus should come as planned."

"Did you find out what I'm getting?" Jeremy asked excitedly.

Elijah ignored him.

"Did you used to live at the North Pole with Klaus?" Elena asked.

Elijah sighed. "Yes, I did."

"What did you do there?" Stefan continued the interrogation.

"Well, I-I built toys."

Everyone furrowed their brows.

"You built toys?" Damon verified.

"Wait, were you a…?" Caroline began to ask, but she couldn't finish the sentence.

Elijah rolled his eyes. "Yes, fine: I'm an elf."

They all giggled silently.

"But I thought you were the Easter Bunny," Stefan asked.

"All of the Originals are elves," he informed them.

"Why did you and Klaus have a falling out?" Elena queried.

"Well, I didn't want to work in Santa's workshop anymore. I wanted to be a dentist."

"Is that so?" Damon asked. His little crush was fading a bit.

"Now I'm more into bounty hunting," Elijah added.

Damon's admiration bounced back. "You seem to be pretty good at it. Well, except for that time when you couldn't capture Katerina Petrova. I mean, she was feet away from you, with a huge, bleeding gash, and you couldn't sniff her out. And then you had her entire family killed, but didn't stick around to wait for her to show up, which she did, a couple of days later."

"I let Katerina get away," Elijah replied.

"Why?"

"Because free spirits should be free. Unless you need them, and then you leave them imprisoned in underground tombs."

"Do you have anything that belongs to He Who Shall Not Be Named?" Bonnie asked. "I could make more knock-out powder."

"Only my heart," Elijah whispered.

"What?"

"Nothing Um, I've got nothing. The Dark Lord is not a man of many possessions."

"Can you tell us more about You Know Who?" Elena asked. "If he really is the First, how did _he_ become a vampire?"

"You should know better than to ask those sorts of origin questions," Elijah scolded. "It was probably a spell anyway. Or the egg came first." Then Elijah brightened. "Actually, I do have something of Klaus': his diary." He pulled a notebook out of the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it to Bonnie.

"The diary of Tom Riddle," Bonnie read. "Who is Tom Riddle?"

"Klaus used to be called Tom Riddle," Elijah explained.

"Let me get this straight: he went from Tom to _Klaus_?" Damon asked.

"Maybe we should read it before you burn it, Bonnie," Elena suggested.

Bonnie flipped it open to the first page: it was blank. "There's nothing written in here."

"Yeah, he never really got around to it," Elijah said. "I picked this diary out for him special. The paper is from Egyptian papyrus, and it's bound in deer vellum. But no, he couldn't be bothered."

"Maybe he just didn't want a record of everything he was doing," Jeremy comforted. "Maybe he was afraid his younger brother (but not very young) would read the whole thing."

"If He Who Shall Not Be Named never really took possession of it, then it won't work," Bonnie lamented.

"You can say his name!" Damon griped.

"Can't we do a spell to make it belong to Klaus?" Elijah asked.

"Don't be ridiculous," Bonnie admonished.

And then the doorbell rang.

Damon opened the door to see the same young woman from earlier standing there. "I am so proud of you!" she said. "You've finally starting locking your door."

She pressed past Damon and entered the room. "Of course, they usually get in through the windows, don't they? Jules, the tomb vamps. I'd say to reinforce them, but I doubt that'd help. Elijah here broke double-paned glass with a handful of change!" she reasoned, turning two admiring eyes to Elijah. "You're so BAMF and totally hot," she gushed. "A ruthless killer _and _a class act – there's nothing cooler." She took another step forward into the room. "Wow, everyone's here! That's great. Wait, where's Alaric? Did you guys not invite Alaric?"

"It's the Fanatic," Jeremy observed, slightly awestruck.

No one answered her. "Maybe he's on a date with Jenna? I went by the house, and all I saw was Uncle John. I'm so happy he's back. God, I love him. I know he's an ass, but he's so hot that I guess I just don't care."

"What _did_ you do about John?" Damon asked.

Elena explained that she had told John pretty much everything. He was at the house securing bolts into the basement floor for Tyler's chains. It turns out they did have a basement.

The Fanatic looked around the room. "Spiffy! I mean, it's not as big as it looks on-as it looks from the outside, but still, not too shabby. Can I see Damon's room?"

"No!" Damon forbade.

The Fanatic was crestfallen, but she bounced back quickly. "You know, I had a hell of a time finding this place. Mystic Falls is not laid out on a grid, I can tell you that. I always wondered how close these places are to each other. I spent half a day wandering around, and I still don't know. I kept asking directions, but it never helped. And what about the forest? I mean, are we surrounded, or are there specific forest areas? I couldn't figure it out. That reminds me: I'm going to be honest. I love you all – especially you, Caroline, you rock! You and Tyler are sooooo epic – but I'm starting to feel the absence of Katherine and her crazy but calculating ways. There, I said it. Can we _please_ let her out?" She put her hands together in supplication. "I miss that sexy hurricane."

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" Damon demanded, taking an intimidating step towards her.

She laughed at him. "I'm not sure if you can hurt me or not." She licked her lips and added: "But I kind of hope so."

"How do you know about Katherine?" Stefan asked.

"It's amazing how consistently you stop any fun from being had," the Fanatic criticized, tearing her eyes away from Damon to look at his brother. "Anyway, I can get her out myself." She turned to look at Elijah and winked. "But I can't move the stone door on my own. I'd blackmail one of you, but I'm kind of afraid you'd just kill me." She sighed. "I guess I'll just work on trying to convince you."

"Leave right now or I'm calling the police," Damon warned.

The Fanatic laughed. "Yeah, that's smart – send me to Liz Forbes, the person in your life who knows the least but has the most at stake. Ohhhhhh!" she turned excitedly to Bonnie. "Can we do a spell that makes everyone forget all of their compulsion?" She looked very intently at Damon and Elena: "I can't wait to see what happens."

Elijah came up behind her, used a Vulcan death grip, and sent her unconscious. "Enough of that," he said, wiping his hands off.

Elena rushed to the girl's side. "Is she OK? I'm really nice and I care about everybody."

"She's fine."

Damon scooped up the Fanatic and set her down on a couch in the next room.

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"What's your name?" Damon asked severely. He was seated in the corner.

The Fanatic was stirring awake. She rubbed her neck and then sat up. "I don't matter."

"Well, at least we're agreed on that."

"Why don't we talk about you, Damon? I see your suffering." She stood up and walked over to the fire.

Damon rose, angry, and came over to her. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't suffer."

She shook her head. "You suffer more than anyone. It's beautiful…and horrible. You try not to feel anything, but sometimes I think that you feel more than everyone else. For someone supposedly so empathetic, Stefan doesn't really get your pain, does he? He dares call you obsessed, but he's obsessed with his own guilt. The guy is such a downer."

Damon sat down on the couch. "Of course they love Stefan. He always does the right thing, says the right thing. His decisions are never selfish." Damon laid down, his hands behind his head. "And everything he wants, he gets. Everything."

"How does that make you feel?" The Fanatic took a seat opposite him and rested her chin thoughtfully in the palm of her hand.

"How do you think it makes me feel? Disinherited. Angry. Nothing that ever matters to me will ever be my own."

"You said 'they love him'. Who do you mean?"

"Elena, of course. And Katherine. Well, everyone, really."

"You think that Katherine loves Stefan?"

"Of course she does. Everyone does."

"Let's talk about your father…"

"My father?"

"Well, it really all comes down to him, doesn't it? Stefan was the favored son. This instilled a lack of self-worth in you, while at the same time creating a rift between you and your brother that you are unable to cross."

"My father wanted Stefan to have the world. He couldn't even manage to tell me that he was proud of me."

"Damon, your father was not a good man. He killed you and Stefan just because you cared enough about Katherine to try and save her. He was hateful and intolerant."

"Not many live through filicide. I guess you could say that screwed me up a little bit."

"A little bit? Never mind that. Tell me about your mother."

"Does not compute."

The Fanatic furrowed her eyebrows. "You had a mother?"

"Yes," Damon replied. "I mean, I must have."

"You don't remember her?"

"No."

"You don't know what happened to her?"

"N-no. I guess not."

"Hmmm. Very interesting." And very disappointing, she grumbled to herself.

"Do you think that maybe she liked me better than she liked Stefan?" Damon asked.

"I think that she probably loved you both very much. And I think that you shouldn't ask questions like that if you want to grow as a person."

"Who said I want to grow as a person?"

"I think you do. I think you do because that's what Elena wants. She has always seen you as a good person who makes bad choices, and not as a bad person. You want to prove to her that that's true by showing her that you can make good choices."

"But what if I can't make good choices?"

"You can. You have."

"I've done some very bad things."

"Yes, I know. Most of that was before, though. You've really changed recently. On Founders' Day, you apologized to Jeremy for what you had done to Vicki, and you told him about how you wanted to help Anna. You told Katherine that you wanted to save the town. You were a hero that day. Of course, you've done bad things since then. I can forgive what you did to Mason even though he was hot and often shirtless – in your mind you were justified, and I've never been much for absolute morality. But your behavior towards Caroline has been absolutely despicable."

"How do you know about all that?" Damon demanded suddenly.

She ignored him. "I think I know why: Caroline reminds you of yourself. She has always played second fiddle to the preferred Elena. Her mother disapproves of her (far more than she actually remembers). She's needy and neurotic and jealous. She's _you_. That's why you've never given her a chance – or even a kind word. That's why you've never believed that she could survive as a non-killing vampire, and that's why you never let her matter to you."

"I-I feel bad about Caroline."

"You've never apologized."

"Well that's not really something that I do."

"Maybe you should start."

"What does it matter? Elena will never love me like she loves Stefan. And she shouldn't."

"Awwwww!" The Fanatic gushed. She wiped away a tear. "Love has nothing to do with deserving it." The Fanatic sighed. "Elena is young. Yes, she loves Stefan right now. But she has room for you in her heart. And maybe someday you'll reign there. Trust me, I've thought _a lot_ about this, and I think it's possible. But you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to know who does love you more than they love Stefan?"

Damon sat up. "Yes."

"Well, there's me," she said with a smile. "But there's also Stefan."

Damon frowned. "What?"

The Fanatic was still smiling. "Stefan loves you very much. Far more than he loves himself. Probably more than he loves anyone. You're blinded by your jealousy, unable to see this love or return it. That's your biggest mistake."

All of the sudden Castiel appeared in the room. He grabbed onto the Fanatic's shoulders. "You're not supposed to be here."

"I know that," the Fanatic replied. "But I'm not done yet."

"You're doing my job. You have to go – I'm trying to get my wings here."

Castiel smiled at Damon, and then the two of them disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3  Dinner, or Pangs

CHAPTER 3 – DINNER, or PANGS

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Even though Caroline, Tyler, and Bonnie had families of their own, they all headed over to the Gilberts' to join Jeremy, Elena, John, Damon and Stefan for Christmas Eve dinner. Dinner was planned for early – 4:00 PM, to give them plenty of time to get ready for that evening's assassination.

Damon rubbed his hands together excitedly. "There's nothing like a good kill on Christmas." He didn't bring up that massacres had been a holiday tradition for him.

John preferred to stay out of the kitchen (traumatic memories), so he and Jeremy strung up Christmas decorations in the living room while everyone else cooked. They even managed to find a tree at the last minute, and the bottom was full of presents to be opened.

Jeremy made sure that meadowsweet wreath was placed on the front door, at Caroline's insistence.

Elena pulled Stefan aside once the turkey was in the oven: "I'm really nice and think the best of people and like to help them no matter what they've done."

"And you think we should let Katherine out of the tomb for Christmas," Stefan anticipated.

"I love how we're both so nice!" Elena exclaimed. "So what do you think?"

"Well, I care deeply for people and how they feel. If they are hurting I feel their pain and I feel guilty if I am the one that caused it. So yes, I think we should do it."

"She can come eat dinner with us," Elena suggested. "That will be fun, and not all awkward."

Stefan looked over and saw that Bonnie was listening. "Is there any way we can keep her restrained?"

"I could do a spell to make some ropes that she can't break," Bonnie offered.

"You can do that?" Stefan asked.

"I can do anything if it's convenient, and nothing when it's inconvenient."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"It's not your convenience I'm talking about. Or mine."

"Who's then?"

"I don't know. The Fanatic might have known. She seemed to know…things. Things I can only vaguely sense because I'm a witch."

Stefan told Damon what he, Elena, and Bonnie had planned.

"You're an idiot," Damon said. But then he took a second to think about it. "Maybe she'll help kill Klaus. It's worth a shot: she's stronger than you and me put together. But how do we get out of there?"

"The Fanatic told me that the spell keeping Katherine in the tomb is only in her mind," Stefan revealed.

"What?"

"She said she couldn't explain any further than that – that it might 'affect' the future. I don't know. She was crazy."

"She wasn't crazy," Damon defended fiercely. "She was very insightful."

"Well, let's go then."

"Elijah won't be pleased."

"As long as Klaus is dead, Elijah will be fine. He doesn't seem like a grudge-bearer."

"I think Trevor might have something to say about that." But Damon shrugged, and then followed Stefan out Stefan's pretty red car. Damon had adopted Rose's sun-proof SUV, but they agreed that Katherine would want to ride in true style.

"You know, Stefan, this car might be the most interesting thing about you," Damon said, climbing in.

"Shut up, Damon," Stefan replied.

They listened to the radio while driving towards the tomb. When a Taylor Swift song came on, Damon changed the station.

"What happened to your unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift?" Stefan teased.

"Just because a man can withstand torture doesn't mean he sits at home slipping bamboo underneath his finger nails to pass the time."

Stefan turned it back.

_Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find_

_That what you're looking for has been here the whole time_

_If you could see that I'm the one who understands you_

_Been here all along, so why can't you see?_

_You belong with me_

_Standing by and waiting at your back door_

_All this time how could you not know?_

_Baby you belong with me, you belong with me_

"Wow, this song is so perfect for me and Katherine!" Damon exclaimed. "I should find footage of us together and make a video montage to this song."

"You're such a girl right now," Stefan taunted.

"If only there was some way we could get this song to play while we're driving back with Katherine in the car."

"That shouldn't be a problem. Every station seems to find a way to play it every hour."

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Katherine did not struggle against her ropes. She was still quite weak, and had not been given any blood yet.

"You don't look so good," Caroline jabbed, even though she knew it wasn't wise.

Katherine looked up at her with a quiet menace. "Yes, I'm a living skeleton. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries, only not half as funny."

Stefan set down a cup of blood in front of her with a straw in it. "I feel your pain, Katherine." She looked down at the yellow novelty mug: Kiss The Librarian.

"You almost had my fucking pain," she replied to him. Then she looked over at Caroline: "And she's about to."

"Come on now, no threats," Damon encouraged and scolded. "It's Christmas!"

Katherine stopped speaking and devoured the blood.

"Will you get the rolls?" Elena asked Stefan. "Stefan? Stefan?"

He was too busy watching Katherine suck on her straw. Elena looked around the table: all of the other guys were mesmerized by the same thing. Everyone except for Jeremy, had been looking everywhere except for at Katherine and who was just then in the next room. And John, who was getting some candles from the upstairs closet.

Elena shook Stefan and pointed towards the kitchen.

He went and got the rolls.

All of the sudden an arrow came whizzing out of nowhere and planted itself firmly in the wall.

"What the hell?" Bonnie asked.

"Oh no!" Caroline exclaimed. "What if it's vengeful Indian spirits?"

Jeremy appeared in the door. "Sorry." He was holding a crossbow. "Accident."

Elena scowled at Jeremy. She passed by Katherine with the butter tray and set it on the table, but the old silver tray had jagged edges and ripped Katherine's dress.

"You made a tear!" Katherine shouted, horrified. "Undo it! Undo it!"

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They ate on time, through some miracle.

The seating worked itself out:

John

Jeremy Bonnie

Elena Stefan

Caroline Tyler

Katherine Damon

Damon wanted Katherine strong if she was going to help them kill Klaus, so he kept feeding her blood. When she finally had her fill, she asked for some regular food.

Damon ladled up some mashed potatoes and set the plate in front of her.

"I can't eat these," Katherine complained.

"Well that's just too bad," Damon replied.

She looked down at them, and really seemed to want them.

"Eat them like an animal," he advised.

She glared.

He rolled his eyes, then picked up her spoon, scooped up some mashed potatoes, and whirled the utensil towards her mouth like a mother feeding her baby. "Zzzzzzzzzzz."

Katherine's legs were free beneath the knees. She kicked Damon hard in the shin.

He doubled over in pain, and could feel blood pouring down his leg.

"Katherine!" Stefan reprimanded.

"He deserved it," she said.

Damon breathed heavily for a few more seconds and then the pain subsided. "Yeah, OK, I deserved that," he admitted, defusing some of the tension. He picked up the spoon again, and placed it gently into her mouth.

She licked the food off sensuously, making eyes at him.

He was visibly disconcerted.

But he only grew more so when she lifted her leg again, only this time digging her foot into his crotch.

Furious (and turned on), he scooted his chair out, stood, and stormed out of the room.

Katherine laughed.

She turned her attention to John. The turkey carving knife was lying on the table. She looked down at it and then up at him with a malevolent smile.

Damon came back a few minutes later, having collected himself. He sat down, ignoring Katherine completely.

"So, this is fun," Elena said.

Caroline agreed: she quickly swallowed her food and then said, "It's great!" She had donned her gay apparel, with a Santa hat on her head.

"So Elijah has told us the truth about Klaus. That he's Santa," Elena explained to Katherine. "You kind of left that part out when you told me about your past."

"Would you have believed me? You already were thinking that I was going to lie to you."

"The part that I can't believe," Damon began, "is that you fell for an old, fat man in an unflattering red suit."

"He was jolly!" Katherine protested. "He hid the murderous, blood-drinking side very well – just ask Elijah. And it was certainly a nice change after my baby daddy, who was young and handsome but cold and unfaithful and douche-y."

"Is there anything you can tell us that will help us kill him?" Bonnie asked. "After all, Santa Klaus only comes once a year."

"That's the real reason I left him," Katherine joked.

When the doorbell rang, Caroline offered to answer the door because Elena had been so busy taking care of everyone else that she had barely had time to eat.

Everyone waited anxiously to hear who it was, but all they heard was Caroline scream.

Tyler was the first to jump up and run towards the foyer, but he was intercepted by Elijah, carrying an unconscious Caroline. He set her down on the couch and then came in to the kitchen.

"What did you do?" Tyler demanded.

Elijah looked a little sheepish. "She was wearing a Santa hat – it was just a reflex."

"You thought she was Klaus?" Damon asked.

Elijah shrugged. "She'll be fine." He looked over at Katherine. "What is Katerina doing here?"

"They kidnapped me!" Katherine cried. "I didn't leave on my own, I swear, Elijah."

"We thought she could help," Stefan said.

Elijah shrugged again. "Sure, why not?"

"Why did you make me stay in there?" Katherine asked.

"Well, I wanted you to be my sex slave, but I thought that it would be rude to have you around while I was staying with the Martins, so I decided to just leave you there."

Elena frowned. So it wasn't just in her head that Elijah was attracted to her.

Katherine flipped her hair. "I'm flattered. But how, exactly, were you planning on getting my compliance."

"I have my ways."

Damon stood and interrupted them. "What are you doing here, Elijah? We're trying to have a nice Christmas Eve meal."

"So I see. How quaint. I just wanted to make sure that everything was in place and going according to plan."

"We're all set. See you at 10:00." Damon began ushering Elijah towards the door.

"I really appreciate you ringing the doorbell," Elena flirted. "I know you could have come right in if you'd wanted to."

He bowed to her.

She giggled.

"Well, I'll be on my way," he said.

"You should stay!" Elena begged. "There's plenty of food and plenty of room."

Damon put his arm around Elijah's shoulder and turned him back towards the door. "Actually there's no room. There's already two of us. Three if you throw in Matt Donovan. It's best if you go."

Elijah turned back to Elena: "I thank you for your invitation, Miss Gilbert, but there are some things that I still have to do."

He left.

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Caroline woke up about an hour later with a headache, and she decided not to wear the hat anymore.

Elena was upstairs putting on her Mary costume which Tyler had brought for her. She came out to the top of the stairs so that everyone could look at her, but she tripped on the dress and fell down the stairs, landing upside and unconscious on the bottom step.

Stefan rushed to her side. "Oh, no."

"Is she OK?" Damon demanded.

Stefan felt her pulse. "She's fine. I think she just got knocked out. And her leg appears to be broken."

Tyler came out of the bathroom in his Joseph costume. "We have to leave right now."

"She can't be in the pageant!" Stefan replied. "But this meant so much to her. She wanted to prove to the town that she was still everybody's darling." He looked over at Katherine. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to…"

"No way in hell," Katherine replied.

"You mean you're passing on the chance to be Elena in front of the entire town?" Stefan asked. "To be Elena? To be the _virgin _Mary? You like to fake purity, Katherine, I know it. Why don't you go do it on a big scale?"

Katherine wasn't convinced.

"Remember when we were stuck in the tomb together and I asked you to give me proof that you loved me, and you gave me that totally worthless hint about Isobel?" Stefan asked. "Because, I mean, she might be good researcher, but could she really beat Slater? And yet Slater didn't know how to find Klaus. And then you said that Isobel had found you, but Isobel told us that you had found her. Well here's a chance for you to really do something for me."

Katherine thought about it for another minute, and then agreed. It would be nice to be able to move freely for a while. The ropes were spelled so that she could not break them, but that did not prevent her from wriggling free, which she would have done already if she wasn't have such a great time.

Elena moaned.

"Elena? Pumpkin?" Stefan asked, putting his hand on her cheek. "Shmoopykins?"

"Damon?" she asked, her eyes still closed.

"Uh, no. It's Stefan. Your _boyfriend_." He turned to the others. "She's in _really_ bad shape."

She moved her head around, moaning some more.

"Elena? Elena, honey, can you tell me where you are from?"

"Degrassi?"

Stefan shook his head. "I'd better give her some of my blood."

"We've got to hurry!" Tyler urged. "The pageant can't be delayed, or I'm going to turn into a wolf in front of everyone. If there was a wolf at the nativity, it certainly wasn't Joseph. And I'm guessing there probably wasn't, because he would have eaten everybody, like I'm going to do if I'm not out of there before I shift."

Stefan carried Elena up to her room and took off her costume. He gave Elena a small dose of his blood while Katherine changed, and then he and Damon and took Katherine to the pageant along with Tyler and Caroline while John, Jeremy, and Bonnie stayed behind to look after Elena.


	4. Chapter 4  It's A Woeful Life

CHAPTER 4 – IT'S A WOEFUL LIFE

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Katherine looked rather enchanting as the Virgin Mary; the humble clothing and the soft stage-lighting gave her a gentle appearance.

Damon and Stefan were trying not to notice.

Tyler looked acutely uncomfortable, and even though the moon wasn't reaching it's apex for another few hours, he was already beginning to itch.

Besides that, everything seemed to be going pretty well.

Stefan was very tense.

"Relax," Damon said. "She's loving this. She's not going to do anything."

From the side of the stage, Carol Lockwood handed Katherine Maggie Spellman, the baby girl who was playing the baby Jesus.

Katherine took the baby gingerly into her arms, and rocked her slowly.

"Wow, it isn't crying," Damon remarked. "I thought babies had a sort of sixth sense, like animals. You know, they can sense pure evil."

But little Maggie was giggling.

Stefan could hear Carol Lockwood telling Katherine to set the baby down into the cradle.

But Katherine didn't. She murmured something in Bulgarian, then pressed the baby tightly against her chest and ran off the stage and out of the sanctuary, using the choir entrance which gave her free passage outside.

"Oh shit," Stefan blurted. "Elena is not going to like this." He jumped up: "She was moved by the Holy Spirit," he explained, shouting so that he could be heard.

The Spellmans were screaming, and Carol Lockwood was at a total loss.

Damon leaned back and beat his head repeatedly against the back of the pew. "She escaped!"

"And she took a _baby_!" Stefan added. "Come on, we've got to go."

"In retrospect, this was pretty stupid," Damon replied, following his brother out to the street.

They looked around and saw no trace of her.

Caroline followed them.

"Stay here and make sure that Tyler gets back to the house and into his chains," Damon ordered her. He turned to Stefan: "She might try to steal a car. All of the nice ones are in the rich part of town so I'll go check over there."

"I'll go wait by the fastest way out of Mystic Falls. Hey, have you ever noticed that the name of our town is super cheesy?"

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After seeing nothing amiss in the rich part of town, Damon wandered down to the bridge.

He called Elena's cell.

"Damon? Where's Stefan? It's been three minutes since the last time he called or texted me so I'm like totally worried."

That's how she answered? It was disheartening enough that he hung right up and pulled the stake in his pocket out, twirling it around thoughtfully. Maybe it would be better to just end it all…

All of the sudden, someone jumped into the river. Damon hadn't even noticed that there was someone else there.

"Help!" the man called out, struggling in the water. "Help!"

Damon ignored him, and continued looking at the stake.

"Help!"

Damon sighed and looked down. "You're better off!" he called out.

The drowning man groaned, and then appeared next to him. "You're impossible," he said.

It was Castiel.

"What are you?" Damon asked, as amazed as he could be while still being suicidal.

"Duh! I'm a Christmas angel."

"So Caroline was right?"

"Yes, Caroline was right."

"What's an angel doing bothering me on Christmas Eve? I wish I was never born."

Castiel snapped his fingers. "Consider it done."

Damon felt something pass through him, but when he looked around, everything seemed the same.

Castiel had disappeared.

Damon decided to head back the boardinghouse to check for Katherine.

But when he came to where the boardinghouse was supposed to be, all he saw was a housing division. Although a number of similar-looking houses had been squeezed into a small space, they were bright, cheerful, and decorated. Damon could see people through the windows, enjoying their Christmas Eve.

"Where's the boardinghouse?" Damon demanded aloud.

Castiel materialized next to him. "It was torn down years ago."

"Uh, no. It wasn't."

"I thought you were a sharp tack, Damon. Don't you realize that I've granted your wish, and we now live in a branched reality where you were never born?"

"This is crazier than that jump-to-Christmas spell," Damon complained. "OK, I'll bite. I was never born. But what about Stefan? Why isn't he here?"

"Katherine never turned Stefan. I guess he just didn't have the same appeal when she didn't have to tear him away from you. Or maybe she was always a fan of the package deal." Castiel shrugged. "They had a fling, but it didn't last. Stefan never tried to save her. He joined the Confederate army when he turned 18 and died in the war. Although," the angel added, "even if Stefan had been turned, I'm not sure how long he would have made it alone."

"I'm going to assume that once I learn a lesson everything is going to go back to normal, so I'm not going to waste any time crying over Stefan," Damon reasoned pragmatically. "Well, if Stefan isn't alive then…Elena isn't alive either, is she?"

Castiel shook his head. "She drowned along with her adoptive parents."

"So this place is Hell," Damon concluded. "No Stefan, no Elena. It sounds pretty bad."

He and Castiel wandered around a little. On a personal level it was bad, Damon realized, but Mystic Falls in general seemed to be in much better shape. The town was lively, and the population was at least double what it was in Damon's original reality. They passed a group of carolers, full of smiling children.

He bought some roasted chestnuts from a man on the street and popped them into his mouth while he continued to observe the alternate reality.

"I'm not really seeing the lesson here," Damon fussed. "This place was way better off without me."

Castiel scratched his chin, looking sheepish. "Yeah, uh, this may not be working out. Damn." He snapped his fingers and they found themselves in the original Mystic Falls.

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Stefan was about to decide to leave, having not seen Katherine, when his phone rang: "What is it, Caroline?"

"Uh, there's a slight problem."

Great! "What is it?"

"Tyler escaped."

"He what?"

"Well, he was beginning to transition, and he just sort of ran off. He wasn't in his right mind."

"And he got away from you how?"

She whined. "My back was turned. Mrs. Lockwood wanted some help carrying some flowers out to her car…and then he was gone. Please, don't tell Daddy. Uh, Damon, I mean. Don't tell Damon."

"Well, I'm going to have to, if we don't find him soon."

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Caroline and Stefan returned to the Gilbert house in abject failure.

Fortunately for them, Katherine had come back of her own free will, and had already given back the stolen baby.

There was a Mercedes parked out front.

She said that she would kill everyone there if they tried to tie her back up again.

"Then why are you here?" Stefan asked. "Why did you come back?"

"For the pie, of course."

"Why did you kidnap that baby?"

"She reminded me of my daughter."

And Tyler had been attracted by the smell of Meadowsweet, which brought him right to the Gilbert front door. Jonas Martin had arrived, and was able to use a spell to keep Tyler from completely his shift before they got him down to the basement and into his chains.

Damon came along about an hour later.

"Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" berated Elijah. "Fortunately, we don't really need you: Katerina has agreed to help."

"Give me a break," Damon replied. "I've had a weird night."

"Elena!" Jeremy cried from the kitchen; he sounded troubled.

"What is it?" Elena asked, concerned, walking into the kitchen.

"We don't have any cookies!"

"There's pie," Elena responded, pointing to the deserts on the table.

"Cookies for Santa, Elena!"

Elena rolled her eyes. "I cannot wait until this is over," she griped to Stefan.

Bonnie ran out and bought some cookies to appease Jeremy.

Jeremy took her aside. "Did my interest in you seem sort of sudden?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess it did. I have to wonder if you only like me because I'm a witch. Both of your other girlfriends were vampires."

"Huh," Jeremy mused. "That's true. They were dead. "And then they were dead dead."

"And then I wondered if maybe you only liked me because I was older. Vicki was older – she's even older than me. And then, of course, Anna was like 500 years old."

Jeremy shook his head. "Another coincidence."

"Do you really like me? Just me?" she asked.

"Duh!"

"Then I guess it doesn't really matter if it came out of nowhere, does it? Or if it's not as organic as what Caroline and Tyler have. We're cute together."

Jeremy smiled. "I'm glad you feel that way. I was worried that you only liked me back because you thought you were supposed to. That was a close call with Luka."

"I was only using him. His dad's hotter, anyway. And I couldn't get over how much he reminded me of the little boy from _Family Matters_."

"Funny show."

"Yeah."

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Since they still had some time before Santa Klaus would be coming, they decided to do their gift exchange.

Jeremy handed Elena her gift from him. She smiled at him while she opened it, and then hugged him excitedly when she saw what it was. "The first season of _Lost_! Oh Jeremy, it's just what I wanted. It's not a metaphor for lack of payoff."

"I can't take too much credit – it was on the top of your list."

"Thank you all the same." Elena pressed it against her chest. "I really only like the first season," she explained. "Because Boone was my absolute favorite character, and those stupid writers had to go and kill him off! He's soooooooooo sexy! He and Shannon had that really hot relationship where they both seemed like they hated each other, but they also both wanted each other and loved each other." She sighed. "I know that real life isn't like TV, but how great would it be to have a relationship like that?" She looked guiltily at Stefan. "Of course it could never compare to what I've got with you, snookums," she added.

Jeremy put his arm flirtatiously around her. "I had no idea you felt like that. You know, Boone and Shannon were step-siblings."

Elena, disgusted, shoved his arm off. "We're still cousins!"

Jeremy quickly grabbed another present from under the tree and gave it to Bonnie.

She opened it excitedly. "A box of tissues! You shouldn't have."

Jeremy smiled proudly. "They're with aloe."

"Me next!" Elena announced.

She stood in front of Damon. "I forgive you," she said.

"That's nice," Damon replied. "But I don't suppose you have anything for me with a cash value?"

Elena ignored him, and handed a large box to Katherine.

"You got me something?" Katherine asked, touched. She smiled, a rather awkward expression on her face, and then she tore open the wrapping. Inside was a box, which she opened to reveal a velvet dress.

"That's hilarious," Katherine said.

Elena frowned. "I thought you'd like it. It's comfortable and warm. I thought you might be tired of that dress that you wore to the Masquerade, although it doesn't seem to be tired of you." How many weeks later, and she still looked amazing?

"No, that's not what I meant," Katherine replied. "You see, I got _you_ something." Katherine pointed to a present under the tree.

"Oh." Elena opened her present from Katherine, and found a sleek black dress inside.

"I got you a dress, too," Katherine said. "Something sexy. Trust me: you need it. The best part is that I knew it would fit you perfectly."

"Thanks," Elena responded unsurely. The dress was wonderful; Katherine doing something for someone else was uncomfortable. "You went out and got this?"

"Right after I returned the baby."

Elena passed out a present to Jeremy. It turned out to be an SAT prep guide.

"Thanks," Jeremy acknowledged sarcastically. "Is this supposed to be a hint?"

To Stefan she gave a framed picture of the two of them in the Founders' Day parade.

Bonnie pulled Jeremy aside and gave him a kiss. "Merry Christmas," she said with a smile.

"There really is a Santa!" he cheered.

But then Bonnie pointed to a wrapped box. "I've got something else for you."

He opened it greedily. "A Red Ryder B.B. gun! I don't believe it. I wanted it so badly, and I was so afraid I wouldn't get it!"

Stefan gave out his presents next. To Caroline he gave a diary, so that she could begin chronicling her eternal life.

To Elena he gave a pair of diamond earrings.

"They're very lovely…and very ordinary," she responded.

To Katherine he gave a box of dark chocolate-covered strawberries. "There's one stipulation," he said. "I get to watch you eat them."

Damon opened up his gift from his brother, and his brow was furrowed. It was the _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ Movie on DVD.

"You have been seriously missing out," Stefan declared.

"_Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_: The Live-Action Motion Picture. Live action?"

"It's men in costumes," Stefan informed him.

"Well that's disappointing."

"If you like it there are two sequels."

"Is that so?" Damon flipped it over and read the back: "Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Leonardo. They're named after Renaissance painters?"

Stefan nodded.

"I knew Michelangelo," Katherine divulged. "An impossible man – so conceited. I spent some time in Rome at the turn of the century. Turn of the fifteenth century, that is. I was his model for the _Pieta_ - did I ever tell you that?"

Stefan and Damon exchanged skeptical looks.

"_He_ was conceited?" Damon asked. "There's an expression for this sort of situation: something about a pot and a kettle."

"Michelangelo used _you_ as a model for a religious sculpture?" Stefan asked.

Katherine crossed her arms. "It doesn't bother me that you don't believe me. But you saw how good a Mary I make."

"Maybe Michelangelo thought you would make a good _Pieta _because he had seen you holding so many dead men. The only reason you would cradle Jesus was because you had just drank his blood."

Well I am Catholic – I used to drink his blood all the time," Katherine replied. "From the jugular would have been nice; unfortunately he died before my time. Not Klaus' though."

"Klaus saw Jesus?"

Katherine nodded. "He was at the crucifixion: he told me so."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Please. If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock."

"You're making me not want to give you my gift," Katherine warned. But then she softened. "I'll be right back." She ran out to her stolen car, and came back with an unconscious man in a fireman's carry. She laid him down underneath the tree. He was bald, and covered in tattoos. And dressed in an orange jumpsuit.

"Katherine…" Stefan began unsurely. "…Who is this?"

She smiled proudly. "Inmate 0002564 of the Virginia State Penitentiary. Death Row! You can kill him without those pesky little consciences bothering you. Am I a genius, or am I a genius?"

"You broke into the prison?" Elena asked, amazed.

"Easy peasy," Katherine replied. "Wait, I am way too cool to use that expression."

Damon was trying not to look touched, but he wasn't doing a very good job. He didn't thank her with words, but he nodded to her in acknowledgment. "Well, now I can't give you my present," he said.

"What was your present?" Katherine asked.

"I was going to throw a stake at you."

"Oh."

"Moving on."

Damon gave Bonnie a gavel, so that she could be even more judgey than she already was. He gave Caroline _The Twilight Saga: Eclipse_ on DVD, and she laughed, and then thanked him earnestly.

To Stefan he gave a wall-length Lady GaGa poster: "You kept saying you didn't want it, but I know you better than that."

And then to Elena he gave a vervain anklet, following Elijah's advice. "I want you to be safe, and to always have your free will," he explained. "And I could never expect you to wear a gift I gave you around your neck everyday, but maybe down by your foot."

Elena's eyes filled with tears.

Caroline interrupted the awkward moment to give her gifts. She had replicas made of her daylight ring, and gave one to Elena and one to Bonnie. "Best friends forever. Now you all have to wear this ugly-ass ring everyday, just like me," she joked.

She gave Stefan a joke book: "So that you can learn not to be so serious all of the time."

And to Damon she gave a copy of _Twilight_. "I could tell you wanted to read it when you flipped through my copy," she teased. "Great minds think alike."

"They do," he responded. "But I only see evidence of one great mind: mine. I got you something you wanted, and you got me something stupid."

She felt like that was a step backwards in their relationship.

Castiel appeared all of the sudden in the middle of the room. "Be ready," he warned.

"Why? Is Klaus coming?" Damon asked.

"Who's Klaus?" he asked. He shook his head. "It's the apocalypse. The last seal has been broken. Lucifer is walking free. He'll be coming for you," Castiel said to Stefan.

"For the last time, the Devil is not my father!" Stefan shouted.

"No. But you're his vessel."

"Christmas angel in tax-accountant suit say what?"

"And you're Michael's vessel," Castiel said to Damon. "Be ready for the big fight."

Castiel vanished.

"I'm getting really tired of that dude," Damon announced.

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Damon and Stefan shared their death row inmate, drinking him dry. Stefan kept saying that they probably shouldn't do it, but Damon and Katherine kept telling him to shut up, and he finally gave in.

All there was left to do was wait for Santa Klaus to come. Jeremy went to sleep once he made sure that milk and cookies had been set out.

Caroline was waiting down in the basement for her cue to release Tyler.

Bonnie, Luka, and Jonas had put the spell to contain Klaus in place, and were waiting out in Jonas' car at a safe but not unreachable distance.

Elena and John had been sent away to the boardinghouse where they would be safe.

And Katherine, Elijah, Stefan, and Damon each staked out different parts of the house to watch over, with weapons at ready.

All of the sudden, a figure dressed like the grim reaper appeared in front of Damon.

"Damon Salvatore, I am the ghost of Christmas future," it said, sounding like Darth Vader.

"Are you kidding me? I already did the _It's-A-Wonderful-Life_ thing. And what happened to the first two ghosts?"

"There wasn't enough time."

"I'm afraid me and mortality aren't the enemies that you're probably expecting us to be."

"There is a fate worse than death, you know. There's Hell."

"Oh, I was there earlier tonight. Good chestnuts."

The Ghost of Christmas Future groaned. "We're going to skip the part where you are reminded about your happy human life with Stefan, where you come to understand that rather than being a miser of money you're a miser of love, and where you get shown all of the Bob Cratchits that you've been denying your love to, and jump right to the part where you decide to be a better man. Is that OK with you?"

"Sounds perfect."

The Ghost of Christmas Future disappeared.

Damon's super-vampire hearing detected a noise on the roof. He texted everyone: he's here.

Santa Klaus had a magical skeleton key, which he used to open the front door. Damon was disappointed: he had been hoping that Elijah was wrong about the no-chimney thing.

Santa Klaus had a large red bag thrown over his shoulder. He walked over to the tree, and then pulled out two wrapped presents and set them down.

When he caught sight of the cookies, he stopped to eat one, but he wasn't able to finish it because Tyler the Werewolf came bounding after him. Santa Klaus tried to leave the house, but the spell was working. So instead he ran all around inside, with Tyler hot on his heels. Klaus was too fast for Stefan, and Damon, and even for Elijah. Caroline was trying to protect Tyler, and was running close behind him.

Bonnie, Jonas, and Luka were watching the events through video chat on Bonnie's phone. Jeremy had set up his phone in the living room to work like a video camera.

"I wish there was something else we could do," Bonnie lamented. "It's not working." But then she saw it: "The cookie!" she screeched. "The cookie belongs to Klaus! I can use it to make more powder!"

She snuck inside, took the cookie, made the magical powder, and managed to blow it on him as he flew by. Santa Klaus fell unconscious to the floor.

Elijah came up with his ax, and chopped the head clean off.

Everyone gave a big sigh of relief.

"Ta-da," said Elijah.

"Well, that was kind of easy," said Damon with concern. "I guess it was the end of the season."

Stefan and Damon looked at each other, and were so happy and relieved that they hugged.

Then Castiel appeared again. "Glory be to Heaven!" he cried. "You have found the magic of Christmas, and it has stopped the apocalypse!" And then he was gone.

Damon and Stefan shrugged.

They both ran out to the boardinghouse to get Elena. The three of them and John were walking back when the sun began to come up. Mysteriously, Stefan and Damon felt their skin begin to sizzle. They looked down and realized that their daylight rings were missing.

Katherine!" growled Damon. "She took them!"

"Oh no!" Elena cried. "You'll die."

But then it began to snow.

"A Christmas miracle!" Stefan declared. "It never snows here!"

"Actually, it's not really that rare," Elena corrected. "It's not like we're in southern California."

The first thing they did when they got back was sing carols.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Twelve werewolves a-leaping

Eleven Founders Ball dances

Ten fake-out kisses

Nine vampires a-drinking

Eight bodies not a-swimming

Seven weeks of waiting

Six (million) girls-a-laying (down to have sex with Damon)

Five daylight rings

Four doppelgangers

Three triangle sides

Two competing brothers

And a black crow in a bare tree

Then they built a snowman in the yard.

But there must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, for when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around.

"The snowman is alive!" screamed Caroline. "What hat is that?"

"It's yours," Jeremy said. "Your Santa hat. The one you were wearing last night."

Caroline shook his head, and pulled hers out of her pocket. Her eyes grew wide. "Oh no, it's Klaus' Santa hat!"

"It's a horcrux!" Bonnie informed them, panicked. "Klaus split his soul, and placed one piece into his Santa Hat. That snowman is now Klaus!"

0000000000

THE END


End file.
